Deflecting: do you value your listener's opinion?

How often does this scenario play out after a concert:

Bill: Hey Amy, that was a beautiful solo you played in the second movement!
Amy: Oh, well I totally played the last last F# really flat, but I’m just happy it’s over. You should have heard me in the dress rehearsal! It sounded horrible! Hahahaha!

Sound familiar? I have heard exchanges like this many times after many concerts, and have played both of these rolls myself many times. Not only is this damaging to the performer’s self-confidence, it also undermines whoever is giving the compliment. Shooting down a friend’s compliment sends the message that you don’t respect their opinion. Either way, this is not a good situation.

Last week I read Gay Hendrick’s book, The Big Leap and in this book he labels this kind of response, “Deflecting.” As he describes it, deflecting prevents positive feelings of success from getting home either from an outside source (Bill from my example above) or from one’s self. This type of reaction to a compliment never allows for the performer to truly accept any level of success. Musicians are very good at picking up on what we did poorly, but usually find it much more difficult to talk about positives from their performance.

Here is your weekly charge:
When someone gives you a compliment make the first words out of your mouth, “thank you!” Here is an example of a much healthier interaction between Amy and Bill:

Bill: Hey Amy, that was a beautiful solo you played in the second movement!
Amy: Oh, thank you Bill! I’m happy you enjoyed it. Thanks for coming to the concert!

Here, Amy thanked and acknowledged Bill for the compliment, and reserving any self-criticisms for later reflection. Even though Amy might have felt a note or two weren’t great, it is much more productive to examine that later, when she can make a constructive plan to address these issues in the practice room. Amy also acknowledged the importance of Bill’s (the listener’s) opinion, reminding herself that what really matters is how her music come across to the audience.

You can practice this skill in a variety of situations beyond your musical experiences. Notice how you react to compliments on your clothing or appearance, and work on making your default response a heartfelt “thank you!” Self-deprecation and deflection of external compliments doesn’t help anything. If you want something about yourself or your music to change, make a plan of action and set some new goals! Much more on that to come in future posts…

Your Weekly Charge
Give a friend a compliment after a concert. Be sincere with your comment and notice how your friend responds. How did you feel when someone deflected your compliment? Also, pay attention when someone else gives you a compliment. If you deflected it in some way, how did you feel afterwards? Make some entries in your journal about these experiences, and if you want to share your findings, please leave comments below!